1
00:00:10,350 --> 00:00:14,630
And has my little angel been a good boy?
Oh, yes, very good indeed.

2
00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:19,650
Mummy, mummy, mummy, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,
I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,

3
00:00:19,650 --> 00:00:24,210
I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,
I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,

4
00:00:24,230 --> 00:00:28,510
I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,
I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,

5
00:00:28,570 --> 00:00:30,950
I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,
I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,

6
00:00:30,950 --> 00:00:33,310
I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,

7
00:00:35,250 --> 00:00:37,630
I'm

8
00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:42,040
I was on Thursday. I'm talking about
Monday night.

9
00:00:43,540 --> 00:00:45,720
Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Benny
Hill Show.

10
00:00:46,020 --> 00:00:48,460
And here he is, Benny Hill.

11
00:00:52,540 --> 00:00:56,520
Now, there was just my daughter and me
when the hoodlums come in. They took the

12
00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:58,080
jukebox and the money out of the till.

13
00:00:58,440 --> 00:01:02,960
And when I went up through the door, my
daughter said, Paul, I hung her to a $50

14
00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:07,610
bill. I said, now, how in the heck did
you do that? Well, I was sitting on his

15
00:01:07,610 --> 00:01:12,050
bed, my daughter. Now, I said, if only a
dear, sweet mother had been here, we

16
00:01:12,050 --> 00:01:14,070
could have saved the jukebox as well.

17
00:01:14,410 --> 00:01:20,490
But at Benny's place, last night at ten,
Big Chief didn't bull -blue in. He had

18
00:01:20,490 --> 00:01:24,070
a plate of beans, and then he blew out
again. You're lucky, Donald, at Benny's

19
00:01:24,070 --> 00:01:25,070
place.

20
00:01:26,230 --> 00:01:30,590
Now, I went to feed Pete about getting
some meat from the barbecue on Saturday

21
00:01:30,590 --> 00:01:36,140
night. When his English rose with the
turned -up nose came in from the caravan

22
00:01:36,140 --> 00:01:41,680
site. Now Pete said to me, say, I pray
thee, what might be that fair maiden's

23
00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:45,640
won't? She stuck her bucket on the
counter and she said, a pound of fillet.

24
00:01:45,640 --> 00:01:47,440
Pete said, a pound you don't.

25
00:01:47,780 --> 00:01:52,760
But there is, girl, a real world bread.
And we like them in blue and we like

26
00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:56,960
them in red. We love them the best when
we got them in green. You'll like it

27
00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:57,960
down at that place.

28
00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:04,460
Now six hell's angels come in here one
night and started picking on some little

29
00:02:04,460 --> 00:02:08,539
guy. Now they pulled his hair and then
they pushed him off his chair. And when

30
00:02:08,539 --> 00:02:10,300
he left, I thought that he was going to
cry.

31
00:02:10,759 --> 00:02:15,220
One hound angel said he ain't much of a
man to let a gang like us do just what

32
00:02:15,220 --> 00:02:15,959
it likes.

33
00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:19,500
I said he ain't much of a driver because
he's just packed his truck over six

34
00:02:19,500 --> 00:02:21,080
brand new motorbikes.

35
00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:22,840
But I'm Danny's place.

36
00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:27,700
We never get tight. You can drink 30
pints and it's still all right. But we

37
00:02:27,700 --> 00:02:31,740
have one fella burst last night. You'll
like it down at Danny's place.

38
00:02:33,359 --> 00:02:37,640
Now, I saw Charlie parked outside in his
car. I said, now, tell me, where's your

39
00:02:37,640 --> 00:02:38,640
beautiful wife?

40
00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:43,320
I said, that woman of yours, she just
radiates happiness. She radiates the

41
00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:44,239
of life.

42
00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:45,880
Now, she radiates wisdom.

43
00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:49,340
She radiates joy when she's speaking.

44
00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:54,620
He said, that's great, but at the
moment, mate, my radiator is leaking.

45
00:02:55,140 --> 00:02:59,860
But at the end of the day, she gets pork
and beans. The waitresses are all the

46
00:02:59,860 --> 00:03:00,860
beauty queens.

47
00:03:01,150 --> 00:03:03,430
They all walk around in them open -neck
jeans.

48
00:03:03,670 --> 00:03:07,270
Come on down to Fanny's. Come and spend
your fannies. You like it down at

49
00:03:07,270 --> 00:03:08,270
Fanny's Place.

50
00:09:24,169 --> 00:09:28,830
And welcome to the opening night of
Leprechaun Television. And I see by the

51
00:09:28,830 --> 00:09:34,390
clock on the wall that the little hand
is on the six and the big hand is on the

52
00:09:34,390 --> 00:09:37,930
two, which means that it's quarter past
six. As they say in England, six forty

53
00:09:37,930 --> 00:09:38,930
-five.

54
00:09:39,070 --> 00:09:41,030
So it's time now for the seven o 'clock
news.

55
00:09:41,230 --> 00:09:42,270
Shut that door!

56
00:09:42,850 --> 00:09:45,010
Introduce tonight. Shut that door!

57
00:09:45,690 --> 00:09:46,690
Is that a bracelet?

58
00:10:06,540 --> 00:10:10,800
In the main square of Highley today,
police fired warning shots over the

59
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:16,960
of rioting nuns, killing 17 people in
the surrounding Highroyds' flats.

60
00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:24,820
London and Tim O'Dooley found last week
Captain Dennis Healey as the stupid

61
00:10:24,820 --> 00:10:28,900
great twit outside number 11 Downing
Street, was today given three months for

62
00:10:28,900 --> 00:10:32,700
being drunk and disorderly, and three
years for contravening the Official

63
00:10:32,700 --> 00:10:33,700
Secrets Act.

64
00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:49,480
the country's most polluted river, today
caught fire.

65
00:10:52,100 --> 00:10:54,440
Sadly, there was nothing to put it out
with.

66
00:10:55,340 --> 00:10:57,380
Local firemen improvised.

67
00:10:59,660 --> 00:11:04,480
Today was the coldest day for this fan
of a year since records began. In

68
00:11:04,580 --> 00:11:08,220
the O 'Connell Flasher was seen
describing himself to several ladies.

69
00:11:12,100 --> 00:11:15,860
But we are due for a change, and next
week it'll be muggy.

70
00:11:16,460 --> 00:11:18,820
followed by Kewkie, Weggie and Birdie.

71
00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:26,600
The English Prime Minister, seen here
with members of his cabinet, today held

72
00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:32,380
emergency meeting to discuss the
committee's findings on the... Oh,

73
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:35,500
Are sheepdogs becoming obsolete?

74
00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:37,940
Sussex farmer Arnold Flann...

75
00:11:45,900 --> 00:11:47,000
The end of the news. I'm sorry.

76
00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:49,080
Oil.

77
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:55,000
Coffee.

78
00:11:57,340 --> 00:11:58,340
Blackcurrant juice.

79
00:12:01,260 --> 00:12:06,020
We wash one in a high -price detergent,
the other in Fairdale Bend.

80
00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:07,860
The result?

81
00:12:07,940 --> 00:12:09,360
Not a heap of the difference.

82
00:12:16,170 --> 00:12:17,530
Ah, no, I don't smoke.

83
00:12:17,730 --> 00:12:18,870
But here, try one of these.

84
00:12:19,490 --> 00:12:24,210
Oh, that bolo, the mint with the hole in
the middle, yes? I'd like to try one of

85
00:12:24,210 --> 00:12:25,210
them, yes.

86
00:12:25,650 --> 00:12:27,330
What the hell is that?

87
00:12:28,570 --> 00:12:30,010
My cold blaster.

88
00:12:30,410 --> 00:12:32,330
I've been looking for a cold blaster.

89
00:12:37,850 --> 00:12:41,090
Sure, and we all get cold this weather,
don't we, eh?

90
00:12:41,710 --> 00:12:45,290
Symptoms in the head, but mostly here in
the nose.

91
00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:49,940
You get the chopped lips here, the sore
throat, but when the nose gets stuck

92
00:12:49,940 --> 00:12:50,940
up...

93
00:13:17,369 --> 00:13:18,369
Opportunity matters.

94
00:13:19,930 --> 00:13:24,090
Thank you. Thank you tremendously,
folks. And I really mean that most

95
00:13:24,710 --> 00:13:28,710
Pardon me, little frog in the throat.
Now, here is the lovely Angela with our

96
00:13:28,710 --> 00:13:32,050
guests for this evening. And tell me,
Angela, who have you brought along this

97
00:13:32,050 --> 00:13:36,330
evening? Freda Unction from Cork. Well,
Freda Unction from Cork, will you sit

98
00:13:36,330 --> 00:13:39,110
down? And thank you very much, Angela,
for bringing her along.

99
00:13:39,410 --> 00:13:42,690
Who have you brought along this evening?

100
00:13:42,970 --> 00:13:45,130
The singing dentist, Phil McCafferty.

101
00:13:45,470 --> 00:13:49,130
The singing dentist from the Calvary.
You put one over on me there, didn't

102
00:13:49,250 --> 00:13:50,490
Oh, well, we want to hear him.

103
00:13:52,370 --> 00:13:55,870
I love the dear silver that shines in
your hair.

104
00:13:56,390 --> 00:13:59,390
And the brown that's all furrowed and
lingered with care.

105
00:13:59,750 --> 00:14:02,670
A kiss of your finger, so tall, one for
me.

106
00:14:04,910 --> 00:14:08,870
God bless you and keep you.

107
00:14:12,170 --> 00:14:14,830
And now for my next number, I'd like to
give you the help of Donegal. It's very

108
00:14:14,830 --> 00:14:15,830
popular.

109
00:14:18,750 --> 00:14:22,790
Give me a hand with it. Give me a hand
with it. Quick, quick, quick. Is he

110
00:14:22,790 --> 00:14:26,250
serious? No, I don't think there's
anything broken. I'm not sure. It's only

111
00:14:26,250 --> 00:14:29,470
scratch. Are you sure it's only a
scratch? But whether it's a scratch or

112
00:14:29,670 --> 00:14:32,310
we'll have to repaint it. I know we'll
have to repaint it.

113
00:14:33,090 --> 00:14:34,310
It's always repainted.

114
00:14:37,670 --> 00:14:40,470
At 8 o 'clock, there's a real treat for
all sporty lovers.

115
00:14:56,010 --> 00:14:57,010
Thank you.

116
00:15:26,010 --> 00:15:28,030
Two cows and a goat, but they don't
count.

117
00:15:30,230 --> 00:15:35,110
And football referee Sean Lamb was
yesterday reprimanded by nothing at all.

118
00:15:36,630 --> 00:15:38,110
Reprimanded by the FA.

119
00:15:41,930 --> 00:15:44,990
For his handling of Saturday's cook toy.

120
00:15:47,110 --> 00:15:48,110
What?

121
00:15:48,510 --> 00:15:49,630
You want to go for a what?

122
00:15:50,670 --> 00:15:51,750
Yeah, all right then, yeah.

123
00:15:52,030 --> 00:15:53,370
Would you bring me back one?

124
00:15:53,590 --> 00:15:54,770
Mine fell out just now.

125
00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:03,740
That's me and the wife taking a black
thing last year.

126
00:16:04,540 --> 00:16:06,560
Have you got any pictures of the wife in
the nude?

127
00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:08,240
Of course I have not.

128
00:16:08,980 --> 00:16:10,100
Do you want to buy some?

129
00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:14,800
Oh, you have got some.

130
00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:29,120
We're going to talk tonight. Our rolling
reporter, Nathan Whitehurst, talks to

131
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:31,160
the king of the squealers, the man with
200.

132
00:16:31,790 --> 00:16:33,850
With 20 ,000 pounds on his head.

133
00:16:37,430 --> 00:16:42,550
Are you not afraid that one day these
gangsters who are out to kill you will

134
00:16:42,550 --> 00:16:43,810
find out who you are?

135
00:16:44,090 --> 00:16:46,130
Oh, indeed I am.

136
00:16:46,690 --> 00:16:48,970
I live in terror of being discovered.

137
00:16:49,710 --> 00:16:50,710
Absolute terror.

138
00:16:51,090 --> 00:16:55,170
If my identity became revealed, I'd be
marked, ma 'am.

139
00:16:56,270 --> 00:16:58,850
I, uh, I think you're sitting in my
chair.

140
00:17:08,139 --> 00:17:13,800
Tell me, are you not afraid that one day
these gangsters who are at... Can

141
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:18,200
we go again?

142
00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:22,260
Eight o 'clock and it's time for
Masterbrain.

143
00:17:41,100 --> 00:17:45,720
You have chosen to answer questions on
general knowledge. Is that right?

144
00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:48,080
That.

145
00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:54,140
What is celery?

146
00:17:54,820 --> 00:17:56,360
High -class wedges.

147
00:18:00,140 --> 00:18:01,600
Anemic rhubarb.

148
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:04,220
What is bologna?

149
00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:05,760
Sausage.

150
00:18:06,730 --> 00:18:10,330
Baloney is where you find the hem of a
nice girl's skirt.

151
00:18:13,530 --> 00:18:15,550
What do you call Russian napkins?

152
00:18:15,750 --> 00:18:16,750
Soviet.

153
00:18:20,770 --> 00:18:23,830
Why do cows wear bells round their
necks?

154
00:18:24,110 --> 00:18:25,430
Because their horns don't work.

155
00:18:29,270 --> 00:18:30,270
Well done.

156
00:18:32,630 --> 00:18:33,950
And you will be.

157
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:36,780
What does it mean when your palm itches?

158
00:18:37,180 --> 00:18:38,440
The litters are coming.

159
00:18:38,660 --> 00:18:40,020
And when you itch all over?

160
00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:41,440
They've arrived.

161
00:18:45,020 --> 00:18:49,580
Oh, Duffy fell down two flights of
stairs with a pint of whiskey. None was

162
00:18:49,580 --> 00:18:51,020
spilled. Why was that?

163
00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:52,440
He kept his mouth shut.

164
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:57,900
What is higher purchase?

165
00:18:58,780 --> 00:19:03,000
Higher purchase... Higher purchase is
feathering your nest... With a little

166
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:04,160
darn. A little darn.

167
00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:11,920
Higher perches are what brave budgies
stand on.

168
00:19:15,220 --> 00:19:16,420
What is a bachelor?

169
00:19:17,140 --> 00:19:20,200
A man who hasn't thought seriously about
getting married.

170
00:19:20,420 --> 00:19:22,700
A man who has thought seriously about
getting married.

171
00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:25,000
What is an asset?

172
00:19:25,420 --> 00:19:26,640
A little donkey.

173
00:19:39,340 --> 00:19:40,340
little donkey's bed.

174
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:45,340
A pathologist.

175
00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:49,780
A man who can find his way through a
wood.

176
00:19:53,380 --> 00:19:56,240
Unabridged. A river you have to wade
across.

177
00:19:58,300 --> 00:20:00,300
What is it that a man does standing up?

178
00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:05,620
A woman does sitting down.

179
00:20:07,180 --> 00:20:09,080
And a dog does with one leg raised.

180
00:20:10,260 --> 00:20:11,260
Pass.

181
00:20:17,140 --> 00:20:18,160
Pass what?

182
00:20:19,900 --> 00:20:21,260
I don't know the answer.

183
00:20:21,500 --> 00:20:23,040
The answer is shake hands.

184
00:20:27,340 --> 00:20:31,240
I am 19 years old. I have a lovely, soft
-speaking voice.

185
00:20:31,660 --> 00:20:36,240
A gorgeous figure, a passionate
disposition, soft red lips, eyes like

186
00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:40,040
liquid, I own a pub and I don't drink.
Who am I?

187
00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:41,280
Who cares?

188
00:21:01,100 --> 00:21:03,640
to make me have some. Well, I did. I
did.

189
00:21:11,340 --> 00:21:15,480
They told us when we got to Rome, it'd
be like home from home. The way they

190
00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:17,060
treat us Britons is a crime.

191
00:21:17,500 --> 00:21:21,420
They done in old Charlie Clinger. The
chariot wheel went over his finger.

192
00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:26,560
Might he was scratching his backside at
the time.

193
00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:30,280
Do you know they feed us pickled pork?

194
00:21:30,490 --> 00:21:32,050
tough enough to break your fork.

195
00:21:32,350 --> 00:21:34,570
They serve you up your gravy by the
slice.

196
00:21:34,950 --> 00:21:36,910
I tell you, it's either overcooked or
raw.

197
00:21:37,210 --> 00:21:40,910
I think it's their religious law. It's
either a burnt offering or a bloody

198
00:21:40,910 --> 00:21:41,910
sacrifice.

199
00:21:43,790 --> 00:21:47,110
We sleep 18 to a cell and you ought to
cop the smell.

200
00:21:47,830 --> 00:21:51,530
But you know what the one thing is that
I think about that gets me through the

201
00:21:51,530 --> 00:21:54,290
night? My wife left Bristol.

202
00:21:59,010 --> 00:22:00,680
And gone to live... in York.

203
00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:08,100
So at least her and the kids will be
alright.

204
00:22:08,460 --> 00:22:12,060
Every week I take some of the Santa
Vines and they chuck us to the lines. My

205
00:22:12,060 --> 00:22:16,900
mate Albert, he killed one lion after he
provoked it. He trod on its tail and

206
00:22:16,900 --> 00:22:20,380
this lion let's out a wail and bit off
Albert's head and that's what choked it.

207
00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:26,780
It's a bit like football in a way
because they play it every Saturday.

208
00:22:27,120 --> 00:22:29,560
They throw the lion's virgins without a
stitch.

209
00:22:29,790 --> 00:22:31,670
I don't know, make them lions roar.

210
00:22:32,130 --> 00:22:35,670
And do you know what the score? You
never get spectators on the pitch.

211
00:22:37,650 --> 00:22:41,330
Once Cleopatra came past, clasping her
little ass.

212
00:22:43,110 --> 00:22:46,110
I couldn't help wondering how those red
lips of hers tasted.

213
00:22:46,490 --> 00:22:49,950
Then Harold starts to snigger. He says,
she's got an hourglass figure.

214
00:22:50,190 --> 00:22:52,070
I says, I am not a minute of it wasted.

215
00:22:52,630 --> 00:22:56,910
She says, slave, you come with me. I
sure want you to see that my skin is

216
00:22:56,910 --> 00:22:58,510
as soft and smooth as silk.

217
00:22:58,890 --> 00:23:03,430
She puts money in my hand. She says,
take these 200 cans and get 200 cans of

218
00:23:03,430 --> 00:23:06,870
pure goat's milk. Well, I nearly had a
fit. She had a bath in it.

219
00:23:07,090 --> 00:23:09,510
And she says, clean out the bath like
you've been taught.

220
00:23:09,850 --> 00:23:11,890
Well, I drank it back into the cans.

221
00:23:12,630 --> 00:23:14,370
And I sold it round the town.

222
00:23:15,130 --> 00:23:17,730
And what's more, I sold two more cans
than I bought.

223
00:23:22,890 --> 00:23:25,870
She says, tonight we'll have an orgy.

224
00:23:26,330 --> 00:23:30,530
Now, I always thought it was orgy, but
she says, no, love, an orgy is when

225
00:23:30,530 --> 00:23:33,810
there's four, an orgy is when there's
three.

226
00:23:34,410 --> 00:23:38,610
Because the third one says, orgy,
there's no one here for me, and goes out

227
00:23:38,610 --> 00:23:39,610
door.

228
00:23:39,870 --> 00:23:43,430
She says, help me prepare, and she lets
me brush her hair. Well, she's got a

229
00:23:43,430 --> 00:23:44,850
dress on, well, at least she's laughing.

230
00:23:45,250 --> 00:23:47,390
She says, give me my giggle garters.

231
00:23:47,710 --> 00:23:50,830
I said, why are they called giggle
garters? She says, because once you get

232
00:23:50,830 --> 00:23:51,890
them, old son, you're laughing.

233
00:23:53,450 --> 00:23:55,430
Then she grabs hold of my thighs.

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00:23:55,920 --> 00:24:01,580
And she looks into my eyes and says, for
your wildest desires, I'd gladly cater.

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00:24:01,940 --> 00:24:06,120
There's me, only Cleopatra's charmed in
my two trembling arms.

236
00:24:06,340 --> 00:24:11,820
So I... Blast, here come them lions.
I'll tell you later.

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00:27:09,870 --> 00:27:10,870
Limp.

238
00:29:42,960 --> 00:29:45,760
Oh, here's the dirt off Little Hampton.

239
00:29:46,000 --> 00:29:50,680
Here are some of those naughty bits.

240
00:30:56,110 --> 00:31:01,090
And they grew up in ways

241
00:31:01,090 --> 00:31:04,870
that we'd never seen before.

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00:31:11,180 --> 00:31:12,460
Super nature.

243
00:31:13,940 --> 00:31:16,340
Super nature.

244
00:31:17,800 --> 00:31:20,260
Super nature.

245
00:31:21,700 --> 00:31:24,120
Super nature.

246
00:31:25,740 --> 00:31:28,060
Super nature.

247
00:32:32,680 --> 00:32:33,680
Melech.

248
00:35:09,190 --> 00:35:14,230
Thames Drama School pupils are not
permitted to paraphrase. And by that I

249
00:35:14,230 --> 00:35:18,390
if the script says he was bent on seeing
her, then you must say he was bent on

250
00:35:18,390 --> 00:35:20,350
seeing her and not the sight of her
doubled him up.

251
00:35:21,390 --> 00:35:25,770
And you have to keep the script. And
with this in mind, the passing out piece

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00:35:25,770 --> 00:35:30,530
this poem by Walter Winchell and it's
called Faith, Hope and Charity.

253
00:35:30,850 --> 00:35:34,690
And it has to be read as it was typed 20
years ago.

254
00:35:35,280 --> 00:35:38,780
and a very old typewriter on which the
letter H was missing.

255
00:35:39,640 --> 00:35:46,420
Here, then, is Fate, Ope and Carity by
Whatta

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00:35:46,420 --> 00:35:47,420
Winkle.

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00:35:49,420 --> 00:35:55,160
Professor of Czechoslovakian philosophy
and maths.

258
00:35:56,760 --> 00:36:03,440
Next door to a sop that sells fish and
kips in Aro O 'Neill.

259
00:36:04,710 --> 00:36:08,230
Lived Philip, a pissy old therapist.

260
00:36:11,830 --> 00:36:13,890
His cums all caught in pills.

261
00:36:14,890 --> 00:36:19,410
He was very muck in love with a girl
called June.

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00:36:19,710 --> 00:36:21,730
He pwned her whenever he could.

263
00:36:24,870 --> 00:36:26,830
He sent her a cock -a -lip box.

264
00:36:28,910 --> 00:36:30,870
Cock -a -blop with cock -a -lip.

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00:36:33,160 --> 00:36:34,160
He didn't do any good.

266
00:36:34,320 --> 00:36:38,100
He picked her favourite flowers, then
gave them to her in a bunk.

267
00:36:40,320 --> 00:36:42,420
He tried to sin up her drainpipe.

268
00:36:47,060 --> 00:36:49,340
So she invited him in for a lunk.

269
00:36:50,320 --> 00:36:56,460
He offered him kicking sand wickers and
a carcass -drilled lamb cop.

270
00:36:57,940 --> 00:37:00,600
He just kept smoking and queuing his
queuing gun.

271
00:37:01,160 --> 00:37:02,740
She thought he'd never stop.

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00:37:03,470 --> 00:37:07,910
She said, I can't enjoy our little cat
with your ass all over the floor.

273
00:37:10,050 --> 00:37:12,250
Why don't you put your ass in the
ashtray?

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00:37:13,530 --> 00:37:14,870
That's what the damn thing's for.

275
00:37:16,450 --> 00:37:18,690
He said, marry me or live with me.

276
00:37:19,050 --> 00:37:20,430
I really don't care, Wick.

277
00:37:21,770 --> 00:37:24,150
She said, I'll give you my boot, you
uncute ute.

278
00:37:25,390 --> 00:37:27,490
Get out. Don't come back till you're
Rick.

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00:37:29,050 --> 00:37:30,530
Then along came Phoebe.

280
00:37:32,880 --> 00:37:37,160
wearing a king -killer fur coat that
almost rigged to the ground.

281
00:37:37,520 --> 00:37:41,940
The couple met in a laundrette while he
was watching his wazzing go round.

282
00:37:46,420 --> 00:37:49,100
He said, I'm no soapier, Lauren.

283
00:37:51,400 --> 00:37:55,240
I know that my fate's not so hot. I may
be old in a toot.

284
00:37:56,520 --> 00:37:58,000
My teat may be false.

285
00:37:59,520 --> 00:38:01,380
But I could give you a suck a lot.

286
00:38:07,140 --> 00:38:08,140
peasant.

287
00:38:08,740 --> 00:38:13,400
You drink killed campaigns as you lay on
some sun -drinked beak.

288
00:38:13,800 --> 00:38:17,600
I may be 63, but I've the skin of a pig.

289
00:38:18,540 --> 00:38:20,540
He said, yeah, 63 -year -old pig.

290
00:38:21,420 --> 00:38:23,620
He said, so me a little charity.

291
00:38:24,520 --> 00:38:26,620
You shall have my last farting.

292
00:38:30,800 --> 00:38:33,200
Of that I give you my word.

293
00:38:33,420 --> 00:38:35,440
They were married next day, a farragut
way.

294
00:38:36,870 --> 00:38:38,570
Thursday. Mark Latour.

295
00:38:43,690 --> 00:38:50,350
When I banged on the door of his fine
-oaming kickster, I got such a nasty

296
00:38:52,190 --> 00:38:53,930
I heard him mutter, oh, sit.

297
00:38:59,810 --> 00:39:02,090
To his dog, who was running amok.

298
00:39:05,550 --> 00:39:09,130
He had a happy life, full of good care,
and a lady Tatty could adore.

299
00:39:09,710 --> 00:39:15,150
He said a May -December marriage worked
fine for him, but then June at the house

300
00:39:15,150 --> 00:39:16,150
next door.

301
00:39:20,070 --> 00:39:21,590
I give you the toast.

302
00:39:22,030 --> 00:39:23,570
Denty everywhere.

303
00:39:33,320 --> 00:39:37,380
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm delighted to
welcome to the show the lovely

304
00:39:56,460 --> 00:39:58,460
Okay, let's go, blue eyes.

305
00:40:12,240 --> 00:40:18,180
I see a man in a white tuxedo

306
00:40:18,180 --> 00:40:20,780
sitting at the bar.

307
00:40:21,120 --> 00:40:23,600
He's got a crooked smile.

308
00:40:57,390 --> 00:40:58,390
Dance, Sam.

309
00:41:02,310 --> 00:41:03,570
Okay, sweetheart.

310
00:41:05,750 --> 00:41:07,150
Do you want to dance?

311
00:41:26,330 --> 00:41:31,870
But he gives me a red carnation And that
crooked smile

312
00:41:31,870 --> 00:41:34,770
Should I take a jab?

313
00:42:08,330 --> 00:42:09,330
Play it again, Sam.

314
00:42:19,490 --> 00:42:24,610
Of all the bars in all the towns in all
the world, you had to pick on mine.

315
00:43:04,400 --> 00:43:06,600
Why don't you do the same?

316
00:43:10,540 --> 00:43:15,320
Dad, there's a lady at the door asking
for you. I think she wants to flog

317
00:43:15,320 --> 00:43:16,860
something. Oh, dear.

318
00:43:20,020 --> 00:43:21,140
Yeah, well...

319
00:43:43,660 --> 00:43:47,300
week's episode, Wonder Grand meets
Dracula.

320
00:49:28,460 --> 00:49:29,460
to bathe.

321
00:49:31,240 --> 00:49:33,860
Always comes that lot again. See you
soon.

322
00:50:09,230 --> 00:50:10,230
um